What planet am I from again?

WARNING:  The following posts contains womanly-girly-stuff content.  As in periods.  Nothing graphic, but if you don't like reading sentences that have the word "period" in them ("period" referring to MENSTRUAL CYCLE), then don't read ahead.  The word "pee" is also ahead.  You've been warned.  Thank you.

  Today was so wild. 

  For the past few days, I’ve been stressed out about my period being late.  The last period I had came two weeks early and lasted a whole 7 days instead of the 3 days that I’m used to.  So this one I’ve been expecting is almost a week late.  My eating habits have been poor again, as in I can only muster enough motivation to eat at most 1 meal a day.  I know that my lack of eating in the past made my period 3 days long and almost non-existent.  I was worried that this was the case for this month’s period and have been pretty angry at myself.  I’ve been slightly panicked but pushing the panic to the back of my mind.  I know how sometimes my body will delay my period more if I’m stressed, and that would be unfair to myself to get worked up and then have my period come even later due to the stress about it being late.  So I kept pushing it back in my mind, except for those moments of desperation when I realize it isn’t here yet.  I shouted out to the universe and my uterus to start my period soon.  I can’t wait any longer.  So today, I felt unusually happy and secure.  I was determined to have a positive and fun night, too.  When night came, I started making a friendship bracelet out of embroidery floss that I bought earlier.  So far so good.  Then I screwed up the pattern and realized that I had to undo most of what I’ve done so far and went into a complete panic.  I’d keep realizing each step I did wrong and then would go over the steps in my mind repeatedly until I knew for sure I was doing it right.  But then no, I wasn’t.  I’d screw up again.  I could hear myself in my head screaming at the top of my lungs.  I could feel a panic attack around the corner.  “Calm down, it’s just a knot,” I kept saying to myself out loud.  Then I continued to talk to myself out loud.  This helped me for the most part.  But then I would mess up again and the scream in my head would get a little louder.  Then people in the outside world started messaging me on MSN and on Facebook.  I have never wanted to be alone so much in my life.  I couldn't give my energy to anything but this bracelet and people were demanding my energy.  This made me panic even more.  I couldn’t figure out how the hell I managed to avoid a panic attack when I could almost see it in my head.  It was right there.  I could literally feel that edge of the cliff in my mind that I was about to fall over.  I could feel my mind take a few steps back from that edge almost immediately.  I couldn’t believe it. 

  I started to try and talk myself out of making the stupid bracelet and even starting over on it, but my OCD kicked in and wouldn’t let me just stop.  I had to finish.  This wasn’t a good stopping place for me anyway.  So, I kept going.  Finally, after calming down tremendously, I got to a good stopping point in the pattern I was working on.  I forgot to mention that I was watching Fringe episodes online while I worked on the bracelet to keep one side of my brain occupied while the other side was controlling my hands to make the knots in the bracelet.  After almost falling into a panic attack, I watched an episode that immediately touched me.  From beginning to end, I watched the plot unfolding and was touched by this unusual love story being told.  I could not believe how moved I was!  Of all the touching episodes so far, this one really REALLY got to me.  The episode finally ended as I sat there crying and holding my work in progress in my hands.  That episode was so beautiful in more ways than one and I couldn't believe how passionate I felt about what had happened.  I was finally at a good stopping point with the bracelet, too.  I cleared off my bed and took a trip to the bathroom—still crying. 

  Now, I usually pee in the dark because I’m paranoid about someone watching me pee.  My bathroom window faces the street in front of my house and I know that if someone looked in at night with the bathroom light on, they would see all.  I can’t begin to imagine someone seeing me pee.  So, I peed in the dark and decided to check if my damned period had started yet.  Hahaha.  There’s a small night-light in my bathroom that is just barely bright enough to see what I needed to see but dark enough to not illuminate my peeing figure to the world outside my house.  Lo and behold, I started my damned period.  I laughed for a good while after that. 

  I figured that writing all of this was a fun idea but am probably still under the influence of the first moments of my uterus shedding an egg.  When this is going on, it feels like everything is really important and I have to make note of it immediately.  My goodness… humans are weird. 

Thanks for reading.

Picture:

Such a cute happy cow getting a scrubbin'!
(Found this picture on http://www.cuteoverload.com (where I find most of these pictures))

OCD Behaviors

  Yay for bloggies!
I have a few things to write about tonight.  First off, in about 55 minutes, it’ll officially be my 23^rd b-day.  Wooo!  Tomorrow is also the last day I have to drive up to school for the rest of the month since it’s the end of our fall semester.  I’m getting a final critique in my Painting class and then hitting the pizza joint afterwards.  It’s going to be a lot of fun.  This semester was incredible in comparison to my previous semesters.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I get really really good grades, too.

  I have had a never ending supply of hangnails this winter too.  The corners surrounding the cuticle on my right thumb are covered in wounds from me constantly pulling off loose pieces of skin.  I’ve tried lotion and what-not, but to no avail.  There’s not much I can do but destroy the little cuticle monsters.  There isn’t much snow right now either.  I managed to get some good sledding in around Thanksgiving before most of it melted away though!  Hopefully it snows again soon.

  The main thing I wanted to write about was my frequently occurring issues with OCD.  OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is defined by Wikipedia as: an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by a combination of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions).  My behaviors vary.  Since Jr. High, I’ve had the behavior of needing to arrange things in color order.  For example:  If I had a pack of crayons, I would need to arrange them in the order of the colors of the rainbow.  Imagine my frustration when I came to browns… I stuck them at the end because they didn’t belong with the main colors.  When it came to coins, it was frustrating because I wanted to arrange them in order of what they’re worth, but their sizes wouldn’t allow me to because I like arranging them from smallest to biggest as well.  I gave up with this and just made separate stacks of each coin with the head side of the coins facing up.  Those are the main behaviors that I’ve developed that are more defined and ritualistic.  Well, I guess cleaning is a big one too.  If I clean something, then everything else HAS to be cleaned.  I guess that’s not a big one…  Anyway, there’s a bunch of other little ones that I won’t go into.  The main ones right now that are interrupting my normal day are:  when I eat food, and right before I go to bed.

  When I eat food by myself, I can eat normally without any anxiety.  When I eat food around other people, I get completely obsessive.  I try to avoid eating food around people.  Not because of the OCD, but because I have low self-esteem and hate being judged by what I’m eating or how much of it I’m shoveling down.  Sometimes I like eating around people, but it’s only if they’re going to eat too.  So sometimes if I have to eat around someone, I’ll try and find an excuse to not eat at all by saying, “oh I already ate” or “oh I’m not feeling good right now.”  I feel terrible for lying because sometimes I have already eaten or I really don’t feel good.  Ugh.  But sometimes of course I’m hungry and will end up eating.  This is when the anxiety and OCD behaviors kick in.  If I have a plate full of different things, whatever pile I’m eating from has to be right in front of me.  If I want a bit of something that’s on the other edge of the plate, I’ll turn my plate so it’s in front of me.  I also do two different things at random times when I’m eating around others.  The first thing is that I make myself eat every single last piece of food on my plate, whether or not I’m full or still hungry.  I get extremely anxious if I see any extra food on my plate.  I wonder if I’m worrying about wasting food but that isn’t what fuels the anxiety.  I just HAVE to finish EVERYTHING.  The other thing I do is eat half of each portion and then try to hide the remainder of those portions.  I can feel the anxiety of worrying that who I’m eating with will see that I didn’t finish my food and will get angry at me or something.  So I either wrap up the food in a napkin or just put the napkin over the food.  If I can’t hide the food, then I’ll usually get up as quick as I can to throw it away before anyone sees it.  I’ve noticed that at restaurants, my anxiety around eating is a little better than eating at someone’s house or at home.  Although I get nervous if I don’t finish everything on my plate and I have to organize whatever is left a certain way so they don’t ask if I want to take it home.  Whew.

  My other OCD behavior involves what I do before I go to bed.  No matter what—even if I peed not even 20 minutes before—I HAVE to visit the bathroom before I go to bed.  I get this huge unbearable anxiety that I have to make sure I’ve peed before going to sleep.  The thought of waking up in the middle of the night to pee doesn’t scare me or anything… I don’t understand it.  So I’ll be in bed already and realize that I haven’t peed in a few minutes prior to falling asleep and I start to panic and obsess.  I’ll sit there and yell at my brain that I peed not even 20 minutes prior and I don’t even need to pee right then.  And then I think ok, maybe I should pee.  Just really quick.  So after I do that and get back in bed, everything is absolutely fine and I can go to sleep.  It has gotten so annoying to me because I’ll be completely relaxed in my bed and I don’t want to get up, but my anxiety explodes inside my brain and I have to do this behavior or something bad will happen. 

  I know that a good way to deal with fears or my behaviors with OCD is to just face that fear.  I’ve thought about just going to bed without peeing RIGHT before, but my anxiety gets so bad that I can’t.  And I’ve tried to eat food normally around people without worrying about what is on my plate, but I can’t do that either.  It’s a strange system of behaviors that I’m locked in for now.

  Well I’m going to stop typing now.  It is bed time for me.  Goodnight and good luck out there.

Picture:

I do not understand this picture.  It is hilarious to me without explanation.

Mini-rant about Self-Harm

  Sorry that I promised to write right away but didn’t.  I will try to stay true to my word when it comes to blogging. 

  So I feel compelled to write something about self-harm right now, specifically cutting.  I was just watching a story on MSNBC about a girl who had committed suicide a while back.  She was horrendously teased at school by a bunch of jerks and eventually couldn’t handle the torment any further.  This story is so sad and I feel so awful for her and her family.  Nobody deserves to be treated like that.  But what also got me angry about this story was something the reporter said in describing this case.  The students being charged with felonies for teasing her are claiming that she had a history of being suicidal prior to this happening.  So the news reporter goes on to give examples supporting that theory, such as: she struggled with depression, had taken anti-depressants, and oh yes, had a history of cutting herself.  I’m sorry, but how is cutting assumed to be an indicator of being suicidal?  And it was listed along with all the other signs that she had depression, so her cutting is just more proof that she was indeed suicidal before she took her own life.   Ok.  Logically speaking, if someone was suicidal, you really think that cutting over and over is something they would do?  Perhaps they would, but as a cry for help with the situation they’re struggling through.  Nobody should automatically assume that if someone self-harms or cuts, they’re suicidal.  If they wanted to harm themselves to the extent of wanting to end their life, why would they cut their arms in all the “wrong” places and not where the veins are?  I’m sorry to get so harsh with this but I’m so fed up with this false judgment people have about those who self-harm.

  I’ve been self-harming for almost 10 years now.  Yikes.  Not once did I ever want to commit suicide or even had suicidal thoughts.  I can’t even imagine doing something like that.  I know that I have my own reasons for self-harming just as much as other self-harmers do.  I know that not every self-harmer is doing it for the same reasons that I have done it.  However, I know for a fact that a majority of self-harmers have deeper reasons for hurting themselves besides just being suicidal.

  I self-harmed at first because it was new and rebellious.  Then I got hooked to the pain and the release that the pain gave me.  It also gave me a way to have control over something.  I could control what tool I wanted to use, where I wanted to use it, and how bad of a wound I wanted to make.  Self-harming became a security blanket for me.  If I was stressed out about something, I was able to rely on self-harming to make me instantly feel better.  If there was nobody I could talk to, self-harming was there for me no matter what.  I never wanted to draw any kind of attention to myself through this.  To this day, I still struggle having my arms revealed because of the large array of scars I have.  It’s taken me this long to finally start to get comfortable with rolling up my sleeves around people or wearing a t-shirt without armwarmers.  It’s taken me this long to even write about it or talk about it to people I know.  I get upset when people think I’m suicidal because of my scars.  Last year when I was waiting to go into surgery to get my gall-bladder removed, the nurse saw my arms and asked if I was feeling suicidal at all.  I honestly wanted to cry.  My god, you have no idea how much pain I’ve released through my arms.  You have no idea how much I’ve been through but yet I’m still strong enough to not give suicide a second thought.  I’m living proof that humans are survivors.  I’m not a walking time-bomb.

  Well that’s all I have to say about this for now.  Thanks for reading.

Picture:

Yes. Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head.

Decision

  Today was really awesome:  it finally snowed.    Even though I was horrified tonight as I drove through the glowing orbs that were hiding the lines on the road, it was still awesome to get that feeling that winter is starting up early.  I hope the roads stay nice to me.

  The semester is almost over already.  We still have the month of November and a couple weeks in December but we’re more than halfway done.  In Painting Class today, we discussed more about our final project we have to do.  I can’t believe how fast this semester has flown by.  It is by far the best semester I’ve ever gone through and school is finally feeling rewarding.

  Also, I think our family shower will be done soon.  NO MORE BATHS!  As much as I love baths, I sure as hell miss taking a nice clean shower.  I can’t wait!

  So I’ve been thinking more about what I should write in this blog.  I’ve come to the conclusion with the help from my mom that I should write about an issue that I’ve been struggling with since I was 13.  I’m so excited to write about it but I’m not sure if I should post it on this blog.  Because if I do, that will be what I talk about the most since it is a daily struggle for me.  Is that even something people will want to hear about?  I can’t even bring myself to write about my day.  I feel selfish for talking about myself this much.  But the subject I’m choosing to write about is more than just me talking about my struggle—it’ll hopefully give people a different perspective on the subject.  A good, helpful perspective.  So now I need to figure out if that’s what I want to make this blog about, or if I should just start up a whole new blog.  But then I’d feel bad about leaving this one alone since it took me so long to work up the courage and make one.  If I don’t write about this struggle, what else would I write about?  I know I can’t think of anything else and then I’ll constantly still worry about what to talk about.  So yes, perhaps I’ll start writing about that. 

  When first starting this blog, I had the idea that this would be a good way for me to show the real me and show the good and bad things I go through in life.  Well, this daily struggle is a part of me.  It doesn’t define who I am, because I’m so much more than that.  It is definitely a huge part of me though and I’m not afraid to show it anymore.  So why not?  There are many good and bad things about it but like I said, it’s a huge part of my life that I tend to keep from those around me.  I think it would be awesome to finally unload about it and express myself.  Ok, I think I’ve made up my mind.  I’m going to start blogging about it. 

  So from this point on, I’ll start explaining the history and experiences I’ve had with this struggle.  I understand if people don’t want to read about it.  But you know what?  If you don’t want to read about it, then don’t read it.  It’s real to me and I’m not going to hide it to make people happy.  I need to get it out there in the world.  Yes it’ll be gloomy, depressing, hard to read, and difficult to understand.  But talking about this will help explain the positive aspects of my life as well.  This doesn’t really define me but I would be a different person if I hadn’t gone through this.  No, I am in no way doing this for attention.  I am sick of the false notion that this struggle is based around attention.  If I wanted attention, then I wouldn’t have done it for so many years without anyone knowing.  I am doing this to help others understand and to help myself come to terms with it.  Please bear with me… I’ll throw in some comedy so it isn’t all dark and depressing because it isn’t an overall depressing topic. I just want people to know and understand more than anything.  This is so exciting!

  Ok I’m going to stop writing for the night.  I’m freezing my limbs off sitting next to my window with 30 degree weather outside.  I’m going to get under my covers and call it a night.  Thanks again for reading.

Picture:

OMG IT'S SO FLUFFY AND CUTE AND OMG.  Found on cuteoverload.com

Friday

  This week went pretty well overall.  Classes went by fast along with the days.  I have been feeling troubled all week though…  I’m hoping that this feeling will blow over soon.  I don’t know if things are bringing me down or if I just have a bad feeling.  It’s probably a bad mix of both and I just need to keep on swimming.  Not even ice cream or video games help!  Baaaaaahhh 

  The leaves are FINALLY starting to change more.  I can’t wait to see everything turn red, orange, and yellow.  This is a painful reminder of how un-fun my college campus will be once it starts snowing.  My campus is on a hill and is covered in slopes and stairs.  When it snows, the campus employees are a bit slow to make sure the walkways are salted and cleared, so students slip and fall constantly.  I try every fall semester to see if I can make it across campus without falling, but I fail my mission every time.  I wonder if they’d let me wear skis?  Not only would I get to class on time, but I’d be traveling in style without any bumps or bruises from falling everywhere.  Or maybe I’ll be a salt fairy this semester and sprinkle salt all over the campus to save the limbs of students and faculty.  And I’ll wear my skis.  And a cape.

  Anyway, I can’t think of anything else to write at the moment.  I’ll probably write again later tonight if my lightbulb above my head will turn on.  I think the lightbulb broke this morning when I slammed my head on the bathroom sink.  I feel extra sleepy since then haha. 

Talk to you later.

Picture yay!  :

Happy grater is happy

College

  I would’ve written yesterday but I didn’t get home until pretty late and had to head to bed so I’ll just write now.

  School has been good so far this week.  Every time I think something is going to go wrong in one of my classes, it ends up straightening out and surprises me.  For example, in my TBE (Telecommunications and Business Education:  fancier name for Computer Literacy) class, we took what’s called a production test last week.   With the production test, you have to edit a word document based on a set of instructions that are given to you.  Apparently my teacher didn’t write these instructions, so I can’t really blame her for the test being poorly written.  But she still reminds me of one of those grandmothers whose grandkids are forced to go see and the grandkids hate them because they just stare at the kids and won’t give them cookies and smell funny.  Anyway, not only did I find that typo in the production test, but a couple of the instructions in the test were wrong and everyone in class missed points for them.  When we brought this to the attention of our teacher, she told us she’ll give us the points back but that we should’ve known better anyways.  Yeah, uh, I know that you’re supposed to double space footnotes when you’re doing MLA format, but the instructions for the test said to enter a SINGLE SPACED FOOTNOTE.  Why would I go against what the instructions FOR A TEST said?  I’m glad we’re at least getting points back because the test was written wrong and it wasn’t our fault.  When I get my points back, that means I got 100%.  Sweeeet.

  In my Painting class, we’ve started doing self-portraits.  We were given mirrors to set up next to our canvas so we can look at ourselves while painting.  It’s funny what goes through your mind… At first I couldn’t stop obsessing about how my hair looked and awkward I felt staring at myself.  Eventually those nagging impulses went away and I started to see the different shapes of colors and features on my face as I tried to paint them on canvas.  He had us start with a limited pallet at first so we don’t get too overwhelmed, then when we come back the next class we can add more colors.  I’m so excited to see everyone’s self-portraits J  I thought I was going to be in school until later tonight but I finished my assignment for 2D-Design early and was sent home.  Since the assignment isn’t due until next week, I don’t have to go to that class until then because we’re working on them in class.  I love surprises like this!  It reminds me that this semester isn’t too good to be true.  It’s just plain and simple good and I need to quit worrying.

  With the art classes at college, instead of being told what books you need to get, you are instructed to buy an art kit at the bookstore which has all the supplies you’ll need for the semester.  I wish they’d be more honest about the supplies you need because so far I’ve bought over $20 worth of things for each class that weren’t included in my kit.  And it’s only been 5 weeks so far this semester…  Why would we even need an art kit if we’re going to keep buying things throughout the semester?  It’s so sneaky to me.  College can be a pain in the ass and the wallet.

  Things are going super I suppose.  I have been feeling bothered the past couple days, but I think that’ll blow over eventually.  I’m trying to stay positive about everything and so far it is working great but of course things still leak through my positive-super-hero-shield and knock me down.   Life goes on even if it makes me want to give up sometimes.   Well I’m going to go rest before going on a walk.  I’ll write more tomorrow.  Thanks for reading J

Pictuuuure:

There's just something hilarious about this picture.. Oh man it's so weird.

Weekend Shenanigans

  I was going to write sooner but it was my weekend, so I decided to wait.  Friday was an absolute blast.  I finally finished re-watching the entire series of Lost with my step-niece.  We both cried several times that night because of all the sad episodes.  We had another nutella adventure too, which originally started on Thursday and carried over to Friday when my parents got home.   We decided to pull a prank on everyone else in the house by smearing nutella in our bathtub to look like, well, you know… a brown smear.  The prank turned out to be excellent and I haven’t laughed so hard in such a long time.

  Saturday was another adventure as well.  I was a little irritated about something and I have to vent about it first haha.  Earlier in the day, I decided to hop onto the messenger on Facebook.  There’s a guy on there (as you’ve noticed, I’ve decided to not give names) that I’ve known since Jr. High.  He’s made it clear the past few times we’ve spoken that he’s interested in me, as I have made it clear to him that I’m not interest in dating or going on dates or anything.  I’ve already made it clear that I don’t find him to be my type either.  The last conversation we had before this, he told me that he was confident I’d be interested in him someday… wow, really?  So you’re going to tell me how I feel?  Yeah right.  Anyway, this conversation was a little irritating. I need to stop downplaying things and being miss nice pants… the conversation wasn’t just a little irritating, it gave me the urge to start screaming.  He again started talking about how he’s starting to miss going on dates and asked if I felt the same.  No, I said, again.  He seemed disappointed by my response, and threw out some suggestions of things we should do after I mentioned to him that I was going clubbing later that night, like wanting to get his dance on with me, or even drinking with me.  I told him no as nice as I could and again mentioned that I’m only interested in friendship and not anything further.  Then he said “ha trust me i have got the point the first hundred times u said it hahahaha.”  Ok, I just have to say this… it’s a huge pet peeve of mine for someone to say this to me.  No, I didn’t say it a hundred times and I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t be so damn dramatic.  If he got it after I said it so many times, why the hell is he still saying stuff to me?  I understand he’s trying really hard, but to me this shows what he’s truly interested in.  If he respected my feelings for what they are, then he would stop throwing suggestions at me.  But obviously he misses dating so much and wants me enough to put my feelings aside and keep trying.  I can’t stand someone like this in the slightest!  I wasn’t put on earth to make anyone feel better by being a piece of action.  And I’m not complaining because of this one person—there have been many others that make me feel like that’s all I’m here for.  Well poop on them, I’m not a piece of ass.  I’m a human being and I’m more real than the girls they fantasize about in those dirty mags and movies.  I can’t allow myself to get used ever again.

  Rant aside, Saturday night was a blast.  Every month, the downtown club called Area 51 has what’s called Fetish Night.  On this night, they have rope bondage displays, violet wand demonstrations, surface piercing demonstrations, and a vacuum bed.  I haven’t participated in any of those because I mainly like going for the theme of Fetish Night they pick each time.  This month’s theme was ‘Leather and Lace.’  I got an awesome shiny leather corset and pencil skirt.  I think I converted (or perhaps corrupted) my step-niece, and she loves going with me to Fetish Nights now.  She had the most awesome outfit, too!  Aside from the occasional creepy guy, we met some amazing people there and even danced in one of the cages they have on the dance floor.  We didn’t get home until well after 4:00 in the morning and I’m pooped beyond reason today.  It was so worth it though!  I had a great time.

  I absolutely love going out and doing things on the weekend while I’m in school during the week.  I don’t know why I enjoy it so much, but it’s so grounding to be able to go do fun things that’ll keep me sane through the semester.  It’s rewarding too, like a pat on the back for getting up before the sun rises every day during the week.  Bleh!

  Alright, I think I’m done typing for now.  Thanks for reading this far.  Good… afternoon?  Hehe.

This time I’ll post pictures of my adventures instead of something random:

Nutella Smear closeup.  Can you see the hairs?  Gross.  What's wrong with me.

Far away picture of the Nutella Smear

It was hard to get good pictures of the dance floor, but here's an attempt.

PARTAY

  I'll post more.  I thought I had more but realized most of the pictures were taken on my step-niece's phone.  Weeeee

Short

  I don’t have much to write about so this one will be short.  That and it’s 1 AM and I need sleeps!  Today was overall very good.  I felt really awful in the morning because I got sleepy during our critique in painting and couldn’t wake up the rest of the day.  I came home and took a 2 hour nap immediately and felt fine afterwards.  I need to quit staying up so late on school nights…

  So over the past couple years, I’ve developed a love for kettle corn--specifically the Jolly Time Kettle Mania kind.  I also discovered that it goes really well with mustard.  Yeah it sounds weird, but since kettle corn is both sweet and salty, having something salty with it doesn’t taste off.  Well I made another tasty discovery with it tonight… it’s going to sound gross but trust me it tastes amazing!  Nutella.  Yes, nutella with kettle corn.   Incredible beyond reason.

  Well time for bed.  I think I’m riding a sugar high from that nutella I had, so hopefully I can fall asleep fast.  I also haven't laughed as hard as I laughed tonight in a very long time.  My stomach is killing me haha.  Goodnight.

Picture:

This made me giggle.

Bad typo, bad!

  It rained so much today!  It was horrifying to drive in at one point because it was raining extremely hard and my awesome windshield wipers were on full blast but I still couldn’t see where I was going.  The air smells really nice and clean, though.

  I’m feeling tons better today than I have lately.  Since my Death Lodge (I’ll talk about that another time) I’ve been feeling more sensitive to everything around me and can feel, well, everything more vividly.  It’s hard to describe haha.  But since this has been going on, I would get really irritated at things— these things irritated me normally, but I’d get irritated more than I usually did.  That sensitivity has been going away though, so it’s feeling better.  I feel lighter and am finding it easier to be in a good mood.  AND my anxiety has been much better than before.  I know that anxiety and school don’t mix at all.

  I had what’s called a production test in my Computer Literacy class today.  We have to edit a file based on instructions that are given to us on a piece of paper.  I thought the teacher wrote the instructions, but I guess she doesn’t… Anyway, there was a BAD typo on the instructions.  I mean seriously, taking a test is stressful as it is, but a TYPO in the instructions?  It was so confusing and I’m glad that I asked the teacher to clarify that it was a typo.  It told us to insert a new citation at the end of the third paragraph after the last word (we’re using Microsoft Word 2007.)  Right after that instruction, the next one says to edit that citation, but says something like “edit the citation at the end of the first paragraph.”  Um, there is no citation at the end of the first paragraph… Then I thought I missed an instruction or something and panicked.  It’s supposed to say “third” paragraph, not “first.”  I understand that people make mistakes, but a typo on a test like that?  Sheesh.  Other than that, the rest of the instructions went well and I hope I passed.  We’ll see…

  Well I was going to write more but I’m sleepy.  Thanks again for reading.  Goodnight!

And of course another picture:

Freakin' cute.

Ramblings Galore

Yay!  Today was a fun day.  In my Painting class, we did two 1-hour speed paintings of random still-lives that the teacher set up.  We also had a limited pallet:  on our first speed painting, we could only use black, white, purple, and orange paints.  On our second speed painting, we could only use crimson (it’s a lot darker than the red we were using), red, orange, and yellow.  The second speed painting was awesome because the colors are all warm and make the painting look like it’s on fire or something.  I’ll post a picture of it in a couple days.  I absolutely love painting for many reasons, especially for having a reason to get dirty and covered in oil paints.  And they smell good, but that’s just me.

   The rest of my day went well.  All this free time to myself since I’ve been single has been interesting.  While I get sick to my stomach thinking about how I got to where I am now, I’m finding a nice quiet feeling that I haven’t had in years.  And I have more ah-ha! moments after thinking things through since my thoughts aren’t primarily focused on one person 24/7 anymore.  Don’t get me wrong... being able to enjoy being by yourself rocks, but being single right now blows.  I miss having that person I could trust, cuddle with, hold hands with, feel like myself around, etc.  I have a hard time realizing that I had something that could’ve been a super-special-awesome-cake-and-kittens-and-ponies-adventure but now it’s unexplainably gone and may or may not happen ever again.  I usually have a good explanation for things not working out or whatever, but this situation doesn’t have an explanation.  There’s no party on either side that I can blame... I’m sort of thrown in the middle, like being dropped in the middle of a dark forest and told to find your way out with a flashlight.  I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to look at it one way, so I’ll look at it another way and hit the same dead end.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  Just stay in this dark forest until the sun comes up?  Poo.  At least I can share my thoughts here, right?  Anyway, it’s nice to have my own time now and find ways to entertain myself and make myself happy without relying on someone to do it for me.  We’ll see what happens.  I certainly have no regrets.

  Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you took a wrong turn somewhere?  Or maybe you haven’t been the perfect person that you’ve always tried to be?  Why do we even try to be perfect?  We’re not going to be perfect in every person’s eyes and it’s not even an important thing to worry about.  Making yourself happy and setting a good path for yourself are far more important things to obsess over.  It’s still hard to not think about being the perfect friend, girlfriend, boyfriend,  wife, husband, mother, father,  etc.  Once you think you’re perfect to yourself, it’s easy to think others will see you the same way, but their expectations are more different than yours.  Which just makes you think you’re not good enough if they don’t see you as perfect the way you are, you know?  And then you go over your checklist of things to improve about yourself over and over again, but you still end up in the same situation.  I think what’s most important is just living for yourself and if you’re happy with yourself, then that’s all that matters.  You don’t need someone else’s approval.  Argh, I worry too much. 

  On a lighter note, the weather has been amazing outside.  The trees are starting to change and the air is starting to smell like autumn.  I can’t wait for winter.  I can’t wait for that comforting feeling you get when you finally come home from being out in the cold/wet weather all day and your house is all warm.  You get to put on some dry, warm clothes and feel cozy the rest of the night.  And when you go to sleep, you curl up in a ball under layers of poofy blankets until you’re warm enough to fall asleep.  Then you wake up the next day and see all the fresh snow covering everything, making everything around you completely quiet and fluffy and white.  I just can’t wait for all of that.  And I’m going sledding this year, damnit, so it better snow enough!  Who’s coming with me?

  Alright, enough of my ramblings. I’m going to go play video games until I get sleepy.  Thanks for reading everything to this point. I was going to apologize for my random ramblings, but I’m not going to because I need to get this crap out of me because it makes me feel better.  I will say that it won’t always be negative of course.  I have funny ramblings in my head somewhere haha. 

Ok, goodnight!  I hope all is well with everyone.  Here’s another funny picture:

Intro?

     Well for the longest time, I’ve wanted to write a blog but have had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to write about.  I also get bothered talking about myself and feel more comfortable just listening to others.  Another problem I have about writing a blog is revealing things I normally don’t show anyone.  I know that if I wrote a blog, others would see the side of me that I hide behind the ‘mask’ I wear.  Well, I have decided to slowly crawl out of my shell, grow some balls, write about what I’m hiding, and write about ME.  I cringe at the idea of moving away from my comfortable selfless ways…  That doesn’t mean that everything I’m going to blog about is going to be me going “waaaaaa someone hurt my feelings and I’m going to talk about it HERE.”  I’ll probably write about random things which are fun for me. Like weird things that happened during my day, adventures I go on, etc.   Anyway, we’ll see what happens.  I think it is fun to be writing/venting/complaining/rambling in plain sight.

     Okay, so what now?  I think I’m going to stop writing for today and will continue tomorrow..ish.  Goodnight.

P.S.  Oh oh I know.  I'll post a funny picture yes?  Lemme go find one..

Heheheheh.