Sorry that I promised to write right away but didn’t. I will try to stay true to my word when it comes to blogging.
So I feel compelled to write something about self-harm right now, specifically cutting. I was just watching a story on MSNBC about a girl who had committed suicide a while back. She was horrendously teased at school by a bunch of jerks and eventually couldn’t handle the torment any further. This story is so sad and I feel so awful for her and her family. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. But what also got me angry about this story was something the reporter said in describing this case. The students being charged with felonies for teasing her are claiming that she had a history of being suicidal prior to this happening. So the news reporter goes on to give examples supporting that theory, such as: she struggled with depression, had taken anti-depressants, and oh yes, had a history of cutting herself. I’m sorry, but how is cutting assumed to be an indicator of being suicidal? And it was listed along with all the other signs that she had depression, so her cutting is just more proof that she was indeed suicidal before she took her own life. Ok. Logically speaking, if someone was suicidal, you really think that cutting over and over is something they would do? Perhaps they would, but as a cry for help with the situation they’re struggling through. Nobody should automatically assume that if someone self-harms or cuts, they’re suicidal. If they wanted to harm themselves to the extent of wanting to end their life, why would they cut their arms in all the “wrong” places and not where the veins are? I’m sorry to get so harsh with this but I’m so fed up with this false judgment people have about those who self-harm.
I’ve been self-harming for almost 10 years now. Yikes. Not once did I ever want to commit suicide or even had suicidal thoughts. I can’t even imagine doing something like that. I know that I have my own reasons for self-harming just as much as other self-harmers do. I know that not every self-harmer is doing it for the same reasons that I have done it. However, I know for a fact that a majority of self-harmers have deeper reasons for hurting themselves besides just being suicidal.
I self-harmed at first because it was new and rebellious. Then I got hooked to the pain and the release that the pain gave me. It also gave me a way to have control over something. I could control what tool I wanted to use, where I wanted to use it, and how bad of a wound I wanted to make. Self-harming became a security blanket for me. If I was stressed out about something, I was able to rely on self-harming to make me instantly feel better. If there was nobody I could talk to, self-harming was there for me no matter what. I never wanted to draw any kind of attention to myself through this. To this day, I still struggle having my arms revealed because of the large array of scars I have. It’s taken me this long to finally start to get comfortable with rolling up my sleeves around people or wearing a t-shirt without armwarmers. It’s taken me this long to even write about it or talk about it to people I know. I get upset when people think I’m suicidal because of my scars. Last year when I was waiting to go into surgery to get my gall-bladder removed, the nurse saw my arms and asked if I was feeling suicidal at all. I honestly wanted to cry. My god, you have no idea how much pain I’ve released through my arms. You have no idea how much I’ve been through but yet I’m still strong enough to not give suicide a second thought. I’m living proof that humans are survivors. I’m not a walking time-bomb.
Well that’s all I have to say about this for now. Thanks for reading.
Picture:
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| Yes. Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head. |
