Hey there
Long time no see. I’ve been meaning to write of course, but I’ve been quite busy lately. I started up another semester in college and it has been busy busy busy! I’m taking Color Theory, Orientation to Visual Studies, Drawing I, and American Sign Language. This semester is a bit busier than last semester but is just as fun. I do not like getting out of class after the sun has gone down though. It bothers me to be driving home in the dark and when I get home, it’s only a matter of a few hours until I have to go to bed and start the day all over again. BUT, I really really miss hanging out with friends. Even though I have night classes, I still have enough time to hangout afterwards and I feel as if everything thinks I’m too busy to do so. In all honesty, yeah school is busy for me, but I have enough time for my friends, especially the ones that mean the world to me!
Let’s see… there are a few new things to report on but I don’t know where exactly to start. My self-harm habit has been difficult to deal with lately. I relapsed a couple weeks ago and went on a 3-day self-harming spree. I felt so terrible that I ended up throwing all my ‘tools’ away afterward. I still haven’t decided if that was 100% good of me to do or not. On one hand, since I refuse to use any other ‘tools,’ I won’t be self-harming if I don’t have those tools. But on the other hand, I threw away what I consider to be my safety blanket and am running around like a chicken with its head cut off. So far it’s been feeling ok, but I won’t know for sure until that impulse kicks in again. And yes, I also feel bad because I’ve been ‘clean’ for so long. I am proud of myself for being strong for such a long time. I can’t find any justification for relapsing. I didn’t have a particular reason for wanting to either. I just really missed that adrenaline rush and the dopamine release in my brain that makes me feel like I’m in heaven. I need to find something else that is safe and provides the same security that self-harming provides. Deep down, I still deeply regret ever falling into this hole. I don’t know why it’s had such a hold over me or why it’s the only thing out there that makes me feel incredible. I hate drugs and I hate drinking just to get drunk. Self-harming provides an unexplainable high that keeps me going until my next ‘fix’. It’s absolutely ridiculous and I am bothered by talking about it like this, like it’s a good thing. I’m not trying to glamorize it or justify it. It is an unsafe and unhealthy habit that nobody should ever have to experience. Ugh. I wish I can say with 100% certainty that I’ll never self-harm again. Maybe I’ll go for a very long time without any form of self-harm, but when am I going to slip back into it again? I am confident that I’m strong about this, but I am openly admitting that I am weak about this too. It’s one of my greatest challenges I’ve ever faced. At least I can offer my story and advice to those that seek it. I want people to have a better understanding of self-harm.
Anyway, my mind is sort of fried at the moment so I’m having a hard time coming up with what to say. I gave a long presentation in my Visual Studies class just a couple hours ago and am still mentally blank from being terrified of speaking in front of class. This is a fear that I hope to one day concur! One step at a time… I’m going to stop writing for now. Is it too late to make a New Years Resolution? If not, then I want to make a resolution to write a blog at LEAST once a week. So there! Thanks for reading.
Picture:
 |
| "CLYDE WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU??" From cuteoverload.com |
