Yay! Today was a fun day. In my Painting class, we did two 1-hour speed paintings of random still-lives that the teacher set up. We also had a limited pallet: on our first speed painting, we could only use black, white, purple, and orange paints. On our second speed painting, we could only use crimson (it’s a lot darker than the red we were using), red, orange, and yellow. The second speed painting was awesome because the colors are all warm and make the painting look like it’s on fire or something. I’ll post a picture of it in a couple days. I absolutely love painting for many reasons, especially for having a reason to get dirty and covered in oil paints. And they smell good, but that’s just me.
The rest of my day went well. All this free time to myself since I’ve been single has been interesting. While I get sick to my stomach thinking about how I got to where I am now, I’m finding a nice quiet feeling that I haven’t had in years. And I have more ah-ha! moments after thinking things through since my thoughts aren’t primarily focused on one person 24/7 anymore. Don’t get me wrong... being able to enjoy being by yourself rocks, but being single right now blows. I miss having that person I could trust, cuddle with, hold hands with, feel like myself around, etc. I have a hard time realizing that I had something that could’ve been a super-special-awesome-cake-and-kittens-and-ponies-adventure but now it’s unexplainably gone and may or may not happen ever again. I usually have a good explanation for things not working out or whatever, but this situation doesn’t have an explanation. There’s no party on either side that I can blame... I’m sort of thrown in the middle, like being dropped in the middle of a dark forest and told to find your way out with a flashlight. I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to look at it one way, so I’ll look at it another way and hit the same dead end. What the hell am I supposed to do? Just stay in this dark forest until the sun comes up? Poo. At least I can share my thoughts here, right? Anyway, it’s nice to have my own time now and find ways to entertain myself and make myself happy without relying on someone to do it for me. We’ll see what happens. I certainly have no regrets.
Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you took a wrong turn somewhere? Or maybe you haven’t been the perfect person that you’ve always tried to be? Why do we even try to be perfect? We’re not going to be perfect in every person’s eyes and it’s not even an important thing to worry about. Making yourself happy and setting a good path for yourself are far more important things to obsess over. It’s still hard to not think about being the perfect friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mother, father, etc. Once you think you’re perfect to yourself, it’s easy to think others will see you the same way, but their expectations are more different than yours. Which just makes you think you’re not good enough if they don’t see you as perfect the way you are, you know? And then you go over your checklist of things to improve about yourself over and over again, but you still end up in the same situation. I think what’s most important is just living for yourself and if you’re happy with yourself, then that’s all that matters. You don’t need someone else’s approval. Argh, I worry too much.
On a lighter note, the weather has been amazing outside. The trees are starting to change and the air is starting to smell like autumn. I can’t wait for winter. I can’t wait for that comforting feeling you get when you finally come home from being out in the cold/wet weather all day and your house is all warm. You get to put on some dry, warm clothes and feel cozy the rest of the night. And when you go to sleep, you curl up in a ball under layers of poofy blankets until you’re warm enough to fall asleep. Then you wake up the next day and see all the fresh snow covering everything, making everything around you completely quiet and fluffy and white. I just can’t wait for all of that. And I’m going sledding this year, damnit, so it better snow enough! Who’s coming with me?
Alright, enough of my ramblings. I’m going to go play video games until I get sleepy. Thanks for reading everything to this point. I was going to apologize for my random ramblings, but I’m not going to because I need to get this crap out of me because it makes me feel better. I will say that it won’t always be negative of course. I have funny ramblings in my head somewhere haha.
Ok, goodnight! I hope all is well with everyone. Here’s another funny picture:
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