Scarification

Hello again.

  I’ve wanted to write for the past few days but have been too busy to get around to it.  I’m barely able to do it tonight though because of how tired I am feeling, but I will try anyway.

  Things have been feeling very strange lately.  Ever since doing my Death Lodge I am still in an ongoing process of changes that seems to be picking up pace recently.  My overall perception on everything including people, thoughts, the universe, consciousness, etc. has been changing completely.  I have also been having disturbing dreams about being attacked or dying.  Aside from those dreams, all the other ones I’ve been having have left me feeling bad energy from them.  I’m not sure what is causing these dreams but I would love to find out so I can finally get some good sleep!

  I wanted to write a little confession.  I shouldn’t necessarily call it a confession though.  It’s something I need to get out because it’s too much to carry around and I am feeling like an idiot for letting this happen.  **********WARNING:   Before I continue, I’m going to get pretty graphic, so please don’t read this paragraph if you’re queasy!  This is not for the faint of heart.  Last chance!!!  I’m serious.  I’m going to get graphic!  Alright, you were warned.  First of all, my impulses with my self-harming have been fine since the last time I relapsed.  In the meantime I’ve been looking up everything I can about scarification.  Scarification has been practiced for a LONG time and is considered to be a form of body modification like piercings, tattoos, etc.  As defined on Wikipedia, scarification “involves scratching, etching, or some sort of superficial cutting or incision as a permanent body modification, etching designs, pictures, or words into the skin.”  There are several types of scarification processes but the main one I’ve been interested in is cutting and skin removal.  I looked at several photos and videos, admiring the beauty of the process and the finished product.  Then I thought to myself how awesome it would be to try it on me.  Not just because I already knew how to use my ‘tools’ but also because it looked like a beautiful process and I wanted to create a piece of art.  Oh but before I continue, I do not in any way consider scarification a form of self-harm.  Self-harm is done with negative reasons and emotions.  Scarification is COMPLETELY different with no negativity involved whatsoever.  I wanted to make that distinction before I wrote any further haha.  Anyway, it took me a few days to decide that I wanted to try this.  I didn’t want to self-harm myself – I wanted to create art.  I picked out a simple design and got a hold of some ‘tools’.  In the back of my mind I knew that this could be considered self-harm only because of what I was doing to myself and not WHY… which is probably a huge reason why I regret doing this in the first place.  I caused harm to myself even if it was for different and positive reasons… I still caused harm.  Ok so here comes the graphic stuff.  With the skin removal process, you have to first cut an outline of the design and then cut and ‘peel’ off the skin in between the outline using a surgical knife and tweezers to peel off the skin.  I watched a couple videos of scarification artists doing this to customers so I could get an idea of the technique but didn’t watch much because it made me feel grossed out completely.  Now, I know I don’t have the skill of scarification artists but know I could try the technique to get an idea.  The design I decided to do was an outline of a 5-point star.  The space in-between the outline would be removed after making the outline first.  I picked a spot on my leg, disinfected the area (which I normally never do) and cut the outline out just fine.  After this point, everything went south.  I am talking about this because it scared me so bad and I am still bothered by it!  Ugh.  I started at one of the points of the star and began to cut away the skin.  I got about 10 seconds into it when all of a sudden, I started to get extremely nauseous.  The last time I felt this weird sensation was after my gall bladder removal—my blood pressure dropped so low that I almost passed out and got all pale and clammy and wanted to barf.  Anyway, I stopped what I was doing immediately because this feeling of nausea got unbearable and I needed to run to the bathroom.  I made it to the middle of my hallway when I felt like I was going to pass out.  The thought of dying instantly ran through my head.  I thought that ok, maybe I had gotten something in my bloodstream and I’m poisoned and am going to die in the hall.  I didn’t want to die in my room or in the bathroom.  I felt like I was going to die and the only control I had was where I was going to die.  I lay down on the floor and my vision and hearing went out completely.  After it came back, I still felt like I needed to throw up but felt like I was maybe going to live.  I crawled up the stairs into the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up.  I sat on the floor, hugging the toilet bowl, trying to collect myself.  After deciding that I wasn’t going to die and that I could stand up on my own, I made my way to the sink and brushed my teeth.  I couldn’t believe what just happened.  It scared me so bad.  Even though I have had that horrid sensation, this time felt completely different to me.  I actually felt like I was going to die because I had lost control over something I ALWAYS have control over.  I couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t lose much blood at all, didn’t cut deep, nothing bad.  I think the skin removal sent my brain into shock and panic.  I feel awful for talking about this but I really wanted to share my experience and make it clear that I am NEVER EVER going to do this again.  I never want to put myself through something like that.  I feel completely ashamed about what I did and wish that I had done it professionally if at all. Argh.

  Alright, so aside from that, things are going well.  I will write again soon.

Thanks for reading.

Picture:

OMG I WANT ONE!!  Found on cuteoverload.com