Anxiety or Jetlag?

Howdy.

  I’m not feeling good right now.  I can’t decide if it’s some minor jetlag or if my anxiety is just horrible and I’m coming up with excuses.  It’s been a few hours since I’ve gotten home from an 8-day spring break vacation in California.  I had an absolute blast!  So I may be having this weird feeling because of the flying or something.  It also feels like I have a bad feeling.  I hate admitting I have a bad feeling.  If I deny that bad feeling, it’s like my brain is trying to negotiate with the universe and maybe I’ll win this time.  I really wish I didn’t have this feeling!  Or maybe this feeling is just anxiety?  Or jetlag?  The ultimate answer may be that it’s just 4:00 in the morning and I haven’t adjusted to the time shift yet.  Anyway, I’m feeling strange.  I hope that everything is ok out there.

  Today was also the first day since my scarification incident that I’ve had the impulse to self-harm.  I don’t know what brought it on or triggered it though.  It sort of popped up in my head like it’s a normal impulse I have throughout the day and it’s something that needs to be taken care of right away.  When I’m in that state of mind, I no longer feel proud of myself for fighting my impulses and I forget every promise I’ve made to myself and others about self-harm.  I go right back into that mindset as if I had never stopped and I instantly start planning in my head where and what I’m going to do.  I guess the difference now is that I’m actually realizing what I’m doing and I’m stopping myself.  It’s hard for me in this moment to be proud of that though.  I don’t feel like I’m making any progress at all.  Even if I’m not actually self-harming but I’m battling the impulses in my head, is that progress?  Why I can’t I see it as progress?  I’m stuck in this huge hole that I’m trying to climb out of.  I’m halfway up the wall, almost within reach of the top, but I’m still in that damn hole aren’t I?  No matter how far up that wall or how low on the bottom I am, I’m still in that stupid life-destroying hole.  How is that something to be proud of?  Sorry--I don’t mean to be negative and gloomy.  I’m just trying to vomit out all these words so I can go to bed with a metaphorically happy feeling in my stomach.

  I have been sitting here for a good 30 minutes and can’t think of what else to add so I’m going to go to bed.  Thanks for reading this strange little rant.

P.S.  You know what I learned on my trip while I was out collecting rocks and seashells at the beach?  That people are like seashells.  I never found a perfect seashell but I found some absolutely beautiful ones.

Picture:

I'm posting this picture strictly because of seeing what the name of the file was.  I download this picture off of the internet because I thought awww what a cute bird!  Then I saw the filename.  Look at this bird as if it's Venom (from the comics) emerging out of a tennis ball.  Hahahahaha.  Ok I'm going to bed.