Brief

Writing about all this weird stuff is starting to make me feel better about it.  I have been trying very hard to keep it hidden, even to myself.  So writing about it has really helped me realize it’s a serious part of me and that I’ve conquered it for the most part.

  I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever be able to handle stress or anger ‘normally.’  Was there ever a point in my life before I started self-harming when I knew how to handle stress or anger without wanting to literally cut it out of me?  I have an early memory of standing in my room and looking in the mirror on top of my white dresser.  I don’t remember if I was angry at someone or upset but I remember staring at my face and scratching a spot on my cheek.  I kept scratching and scratching until a big sore was born on my cheek.  I remember feeling a sense of relief when I had made it through my skin.  Where did I learn to do that?  How did I know that it would help me feel better?  So when I started self-harming in junior high, was that actually the first time I discovered how much it helps me or did I already know?  And if it’s been a part of my reasoning for so long, could I ever unlearn it?  Even though I’ve been going the past few months without self-harming, this is the first time that I’ve really realized how much I miss it.  I miss having the routine.  I miss having absolute complete control over something at all times.  I miss everything about it.  This is so frustrating.  But then again, it has made me who I am and I truly have no regrets.  I am glad to have made it this far out of the hole that I fell into.

  Well this blog is going to be short.  I’m going to write more later – I’m watching Dexter right now and it’s hard to write while watching haha.  Thanks for reading.

Picture:  

Found on the internet somewhere.  SO CUTE and STRANGE